A woman's story · The Hem of His Garment
prayed that Someone would love me
I grew up in a violent alcoholic home feeling very much terrified and alone in trying to cope. I quietly prayed for a way out. My life was spent anticipating the next disaster and trying to avoid pain at any cost.
In our small town, I became very much aware of the labels people used, as I could see on the faces the pity and shame when they looked at my Mother's black eyes. Somehow all of this seemed to sink into my heart and I spent much of my life trying to hide or trying so hard to present a different image, yet the stain of those labels would not come off my heart.
Sadly, all my years of perfectionism and "works" left me exhausted, angry, depressed and unable to control my emotions. Therapy, medication,and all efforts wich were many and exhaustive left me feeling very damaged and hopeless, doomed to a purpetual numb in order to function.
Through this the Lord began to speak to me through the messages at our church quietly whispering "TRUST ME." To me this was unimaginable as I had never been able to trust anyone, but I began to search for a spiritual solution, trusting that the Lord is the great physician. What an amazing journey. I went from avoiding pain to exposing it. I was very confused about my sin since so much had been done to me. I was blinded by denial and self pity.
Through this study all of who I thought I was was wiped out. It had been eroding for a long time, and everything that I held on to began to slip away. This was very painful but also librerating since it caused me to cling to the Lord and Trust in Him. He IS FAITHFUL. He is also so merciful. He gently showed me my sin, my disobedience, my unfaithfulness, and as he showed me he cried with me as he bore all of it upon his flesh on the cross; he understood the pain of sin all too well.
During this intimate time, he held me and encouraged me and then called me daughter and in that instant the stain of those labels disappeared; I became his, appointed, preordained and selected. All not because of anything I did but because of who he is in his infinite Love for me.
My whole life was spent searching for something, someone, to fill that hole in my heart, trying to change the outside hoping that I'd feel different on the inside. The insanity was doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
As a little girl I prayed that someone someday would Love me completely, deeply, wholly. The Lord has more than answered my prayer and I realized that he always has, it was my disobedience that caused my pain not a lack of Love. He is Sufficient! I am medication free, living in the grace that has been given me offered to all, experiencing the joy of forgiveness.
