Prior to enrolling in Healing Hearts, I hid from God, carrying an unbearable weight of guilt and shame for my sin, as well as for the sins of others. Although I accepted Christ at 19, faithfully attended church services, and midweek small group meetings, I failed to cultivate my personal relationship with Jesus Christ through prayer and Bible study for several years. I had forgotten my First Love amidst problems, trials, and deep-seated emotional pain. In my mind and heart, the latter loomed large, while God Himself seemed distant, condemning, and could never listen to or accept me. Attempting to dull such internal turmoil, I turned to other ’’god’’ at various points- food, academic excellence, busyness, work, friends, and marriage. I even met with many biblical counselors, who lovingly shone the light of truth on my sinful responses to others’ sin. I, in turn, was shocked at their lack of compassion, and quickly grew bitter with them. According to my vantage point, everyone- especially my husband, various family members, church leaders, and even counselors- needed to repent for the ways they had sinned against me. However, as I quickly down-spiraled to a place marked by suicidal thoughts and self-injury, I finally decided to enroll in Healing Hearts online. As I journeyed through the study, I discovered that it was time for me to remove the speck from my own eye, in order to see the speck in my brother’s eye (Mt. 7:3-5). From the beginning, the Lord helped me to move out of the darkness and shadows, into the light of His truth, grace, love, and forgiveness. As I finally humbled myself and poured out my heart before Him, I was surprised by the following song lyrics that echoed in my mind. ’’You’re the God who stays. You’re the One who walks in my direction when the whole world walks away. You’re the God who stands with arms open wide, and You tell me nothing I have ever done could separate my heart from the God who stays.’’ While I had chosen to wander away, God remained faithful, gracious, and unchanging, and was calling me to return to intimate fellowship with Himself, just as I was. Thus, began the process of healing that I never thought was imaginable or possible. Soon after, as I spent quite a bit of time confessing patterns of unrighteous anger, the Lord repeatedly reminded me of the brevity of life (James 4:14). Like never before, I was cut to the heart by the amount of time I had wasted blowing up about insignificant matters, particularly in my marriage. By the end of that week, I felt the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic sweep through my county as the public school where I worked, library, and churches all closed their doors. Through this abrupt turn of events, the Lord removed more distractions, jealous for my unhurried time and attention. The week before Easter, the study led me through portions of the four Gospels, where I saw the sufferings of Christ afresh. How desperately I needed to be reminded that I belong to a Savior who understands what it is like to be mocked, ridiculed, and rejected. Rather than running away from Him during such moments, I could draw near, because the veil has been torn in two. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the kind and gracious work of conviction the Lord did in my heart as He revealed past sins that needed to be confessed. He granted me the gift of repentance as He pierced my heart with the gravity of longstanding pride, selfishness, deception, angry outbursts, foolishness, and busyness. Prior to working through this study, I was blind to the depth of my pride, and the extent to which I had drifted from Jesus and lived for myself and the things of this world. He crushed strongholds of hatred, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Although I had read Ephesians 4:31-32 and Hebrews 12:5 several times in the past, I saw like never before that I had sinned in response to others’ offenses, and needed to repent, deny myself, forgive as Christ had forgiven me, and trust Him with the outcome. As a result, my thinking radically shifted from ’’Look what they’ve done to me!’’ to ’’Look what I’ve done to God!’’ Last but not least, the Lord showed me that I had sinned against several individuals, many of whom I had not seen or spoken to for quite awhile. As I sent emails and text messages, repenting for specific acts of gossip and slander, I did not know what to expect. To my great surprise, the majority extended grace and forgiveness to me!! All glory, praise, and honor to Him!!
