A woman's story · The Hem of His Garment
Former Atheist and Psychologist
I was an atheist, and a follower of humanistic psychology. I worked professionally in that realm until I realized that I could no longer do my job and follow the Bible at the same time.
There were many obvious changes in me, like giving up my career that I did love and had achieved great success at, and just the fact that I went from non-believer to believer literally over night.
Through the years I have served in many ministry capacities. The last few years before I moved to CA were spent in leading a Home schooling support group, mentoring young moms, and leading women's Bible studies on a variety of topics like marriage and weight loss.
I ended up writing my own weight loss 'program' and ran that for quite some time with what seemed like good success. We dug deep in to the issues surrounding being overweight, and all of us lost a good deal of weight.
Then God moved me away from that ministry, and I proceeded to gain that weight back. I have heard that many of those women have gained weight back, too.
In the first months of living back in CA, I struggled a great deal with discontent. I began to think that it was time to bring that weight loss study to our church and once again lead ladies to grow deeper in their walk.
But it became clear to me that I first needed to figure out something. I felt as if something was 'missing' from that study and from my life that I could not minister to others until I had it figured out. That led me to meet with Julie where we sat over lunch and talked about Healing Hearts. She invited me to join the Hem of His Garment study, and I found myself agreeing without even knowing what was about to hit me!
One thing the weight loss study I wrote did do for me was to define when it was that I first started misusing food, and what triggered me to continue to do that. God revealed to me profoundly that I was carrying much guilt in my heart.
I felt guilty about the death of our first baby 23 years ago. Rationally I knew it was not my fault, but part of me held on to the idea that an x-ray I could have refused may have caused the genetic defects that killed her. I did not even know I carried that thought or guilt until I sought God and asked Him to show me what it was that was between Him and I, keeping me from living victoriously.
I also felt guilty about so many things regarding being a mom. Our oldest adopted son is currently in jail and I often found myself thinking "what did we do wrong there." Another son we adopted has huge struggles with so many things. I had thought we could 'love' these behaviors out of these kids we adopted - but it did not always turn out that way. A myriad of other things like finances also worried me constantly and left me feeling guilty.
I tried for the past few years to overcome that guilt. I knew it was a fact that Jesus died to forgive all our sins. But why did I keep feeling guilty? I decided I needed to forgive myself.
It was through the Hem study that I learned that I have, for years, thought myself to be fully surrendered to God and yet all the while trying to 'play God' in my own life. That was the sin of pride, and this study showed me it was time that I let God reveal more of His TRUTH to me. I did not yet realized I needed HIS forgiveness, not my own forgiveness. I had some psychology still caught up in my thinking that God wanted to show me, and He sure has!
So, through basic Bible teaching that is offered in this study, God showed me several things I needed to fully repent of. He granted me the faith to do that and brought our relationship to a level that I never believed was for me before because I was so 'guilty.' I am free of that bondage of guilt now. I still have my struggles - we all will - and yet applying God's TRUTH to my life has become more and more 'second nature' and it has given me hope in all circumstances.
Each lesson prompted me to 'dig deeper' beyond the externals. For example, I thought the main sin I needed to repent of was overeating. Well, yes, that did need to happen but could not happen until I saw the sin for what it was that was underlying that bad habit of turning to food instead of God. I needed to repent of wrong-thinking, and allow Jesus to take my guilt away and then BELIEVE He did that, and then I would be free to go about the physical effort of taking off years of piled up 'weight' that was just a symptom of my unhealed heart. I am currently losing that weight, with some hard effort and focus, but it is just a matter now of stewardship of my body for His glory - and no longer do I define myself as 'someone with the sin of overeating.' The physical process is coming easily for me now, because God healed my heart of what 'really was eating me.' What I am currently dealing with physically is the consequence of sin....sin that I know now that Jesus made the provision for on the cross. I am forgiven. My understanding of GRACE has grown to a level I never thought possible.
Others struggling with the sin of overeating, or any other habitual sin or struggles of any kind do not need a study or support group to focus on that one issue..I can see that now. They need to learn to apply Truth to their whole life, and then as they walk with Christ they will have all that they need to have victory. Sin is sin, and so categorizing ourselves in to one type of need or other separates us and puts the focus on that one sin, instead of on Christ alone. We all have sinned, and so it does not matter whether our sin is alcohol abuse or overeating or whatever...the path to healing for ALL is the same, and that is through a healthy relationship with Jesus Christ!!
I fully received this healing during the Hem study..God chose to use it as a tool in my life this way. It will be a different experience for each individual - He has made us all unique and wants to grow us uniquely as well. It is not a 'guaranteed 10 week plan toward healing' but it is a start, and God will use it as He sees fit if you surrender and yield to Him and trust Him.
So many women have a need for the healing that Christ has offered. So many think they are responding Biblically to their daily struggles, and yet so many are not applying Biblical principals as so much humanistic and psychology-thinking has crept in.
It is my passion and desire to show others this hope that is within me.so that they, too, will seek that deeper relationship with the Savior and live as if they believe what they say they believe. That is why I went through the Healing Hearts training to be a leader of this study and to disciple women who want to grow in their faith and improve their relationship to God.
The emphasis is on BIBLE only -----Biblical solutions to any struggle or hurt in life, without humanistic thinking or psychology watering down that Truth. The training in Biblical counseling as been excellent for someone like me, who thought she had rid her thinking of all psychology only to find that it still muddied up her thinking too often!
Having learned so much and grown in faith as I have as a result of doing this study has prompted me to pass on that hope that is within me to as many other women as God brings to me. I am very humbled that He would want to use me in this way, and very excited to have the privilege to see Him do the same awesome work in other's lives that He has done in mine!!
