A Story of Hope

This bible study has been truly incredible. It has changed me more than I expected it to. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been carrying until I started slowing down and actually letting God speak into my life. I’ve been trying to hold everything together for so long - my family, my relationships, our finances, my responsibilities and a lot of old hurts that I’ve been carrying around with me.

This study helped me dig deep into those things and learn how to let go of my own control and give these things to God. I can see now how much I’ve depended on other people to feel okay. To feel steady. And to feel like things are going to be okay. I was very dependent on what other people thought, so much so that I hadn’t been focusing on what really matters - what God thinks.

When things were messy, scary, uncertain or something from the past was brought up, I had this pattern of internally spiraling while keeping a smile on my face externally. I was trying my best to figure things out or fix them on my own without letting anyone else know what was going on. I was truly leaning on my own understanding (which is very limited and lacking by the way) and not trusting God.

Since I’ve been working through this study, I feel like God has shown me, gently but firmly, that I don’t have to do that. For years I’ve been learning about God and the bible through head knowledge. But now I finally feel like I have the heart knowledge too. Before I felt like I was getting it in trickles and now the tap has been opened and God’s grace and love and mercy are flowing freely into me. God has always been good and His grace and love are unending, but I didn’t really feel that before.

One thing that I have learned and has been a really big theme for me in this study is learning to trust God. Looking at myself, I can recognize some patterns that needed to change. I want things resolved, problems fixed, clear, settled. I want to know that I’m okay. I want reassurance. And I always felt like the only way that would happen would be if I made it happen myself. How did that work out for me? Not well. But now I’m starting to understand that real trust isn’t about having that. It’s about choosing God even when I don’t have it.

Also, a huge change in me is that I have learned how to let go of the hurt I’ve been holding onto for so long. I really did not realize how much space it was taking up in me. It was heavy too, but I was so used to carrying it. Now that I’m releasing it, I actually feel so much lighter. It takes work and I am still working on this. But I’m not holding it so tightly anymore I feel like I can finally breathe more deeply. I’m realizing that I don’t have to be everything. I don’t have to do everything and I sure don’t have to manage every outcome. I don’t have to fix everyone. God sees it all and He is not overwhelmed by it, even when I am.

And forgiveness! Oh, forgiveness is wonderful! This has probably been the biggest thing that has changed me. I never understood how it felt to truly be forgiven by God. And that I can just release everything that I’ve been punishing myself for and all that guilt and shame has been washed away by the blood of Jesus. Again, this became heart knowledge to me. To me, forgiveness had always been about forgiving other people and even then, it was so hard. And it’s still hard. But now I know I can call on the Lord to help me through it.

I think too, that my relationship with God has changed. I feel like it’s more real. More personal. Like I talk to him more openly and more often. And it feels amazing to know He’s always there even when things are hard. He can handle it. I don’t have to anymore.