I read many testimonies of hope and healing before signing up for the Binding The Brokenhearted Bible study. And I cannot believe I am now able to add a testimony of my own. I began this study because I felt it was the "right thing to do." It was more out of duty than anything. I had 2 abortions, neither of which affected me until years later. Especially when I held my daughter for the first time, 5 years after my 2nd abortion. I came into this study a Christian, forgiven of my abortions, for I had confessed them many times. But I had no idea how much they were still affecting me. When a secular physician gave me a diagnosis of bipolar disorder the beginning of this year, due to out of control mood swings, and frequent bouts of depression, I was EXCITED! I thought, FINALLY! I know what's wrong with me. The meds numbed me for a little while, but in my spirit, even through my broken, hardened heart, I could hear God's quiet voice gently calling me to real healing, healing only He could offer. I knew I wasn't suffering from this disorder, and decided to try things God's way. I found this study not long after throwing out my meds. I remember thinking I knew it all, but I would just do it to "make God happy." I can remember crying through the first 2 chapters. I think I cried non stop for 2 weeks. But it wasn't the cry of a depressed woman. It was a cleansing cry. I could feel God so close, so intimately. He was talking to me constantly. It was overwhelming, but so unlike any preconceived notions I came into this study with. What I was really not expecting was how the teachings not only related to my abortions, but to other issues from my past, such as unforgiveness, anger, and a hardened heart. It has been 12 weeks now, and I still have so much work to do. But I have never felt such hope. As I told Lue, there is still a tunnel ahead of me that I must walk through, but now I see light in that tunnel. And God is walking through it with me. It is no longer that cold, dark, lonely place I was in before. God is truly awesome!!! And that is a miracle in itself I can say that. I have always known "about God," but never knew God personally. I want to thank everyone at Healing Hearts for developing this study. And a special thanks and God Bless You to Lue, my e-counselor. You laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me, and prayed for me when I felt too weak to do it myself. Stepping out on my own will be hard, but for the first time in my life I have hope. I have no idea where God will lead me, but He is leading me. And that is all that matters.
