When I first decided to do this study I wanted to start with the Hem of His Garment. I had anger issues, and a lot of fear that I had been fighting to get over for years. I wanted to have friends, and not be afraid to reach out to anyone. I was locked away for so many years. I was sitting in church when Sue L got up and showed a video. I realized God was telling me it is time, and to do the study. I went home that day from church, and signed up for the Hem of His Garment.
A few pages into the study they switched me over to the Binding up the Brokenhearted study. I had an abortion back when I was 19, but I thought I had dealt with it on my own. I didn't understand anything I had done, and never thought twice about what it did to God. I didn't know God at the time of the abortion, but I do remember praying and being angry that I did it, and angry at a God I did not know. Years passed and I went on with my life. I didn't have a good life before my abortion, and I feel I had a worse one after it.
I came from a very broken home, where there was no real love expressed. We were never allowed to talk about our feelings, or show any kind of emotion of closeness. I have been on my own since I was 14. I was kicked out of school for something my sister did, and then my parents kicked us out of the house. My first boyfriend was 21 years old. I thought he loved me. I never really trusted him to love me, and so I pushed him away. Eventually, he cheated on me, and I left him. I was always in search of someone to love me. I associated sex with love. I felt if I gave them what they wanted, they would never leave me. I was wrong. I was only used by men, then tossed aside.
Later, I became pregnant again. Due to being anorexic, I had a miscarriage and almost died. I recovered from that, and life went on as usual. I did this for years. I got married and divorced three times. I married abusive men, but my lack of belief that I was lovable also destroyed those marriages. I have been divorced for almost thirteen years, and a Christian for 12 of those years.
I love my church, and the people in it, but I have never been able to develop a close relationship with anyone, because of my past. I didn't realize how much it had impacted me. Even with the years I have spent in my church, and going on missions with them, I have always felt like an outsider. I felt I never belonged because I wasn't good enough to be around. I was unlovable. I can honestly say that being a Christian, for all these years, God has kept me safe from hurting myself with men. I have been celibate all these years, and that has been a blessing. But, I have not learned to love, or be loved back, because I didn't think I deserved to be loved.
Through this study, I have learned that God has forgiven me, and He changed my heart. He has loved me and seen me through this study. He has shown me His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. He has shown me, no matter what, He is here with me, and He loves me. He has opened my eyes to the pain and hurt that has kept me in bondage all these years, and now He has set me free.
I am so grateful to Sue for this study, to my friends at church, and to Tammy my counselor, who have helped and encouraged me through this healing. Thank you all for loving me and being my brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus. My biggest achievement in life is finding Christ, and learning to love and trust in Him. Praise God for never leaving, nor forsaking, His people. Amen.
