Rape, 25 years later

God is so good. I was not raised as a Christian. In fact the names Jesus and God were only associated with curses. I was a child, or product, of this world not understanding that God was, and is real.

The era in which I grew up pushed women into an unnatural roles. We were taught to be independent and to take care of ourselves, or to be an island. It was ingrained into us that being a mom was just not sophisticated and not what we "should" want for ourselves.

It was not until I was 37 years old did I ask Jesus into my heart and life. At that time my life completly changed. At thirteen I had found acceptance in a group of friends my same age. It felt good to "fit in" so I went along with some things I didn't completely understand. I experimented with cigarettes, alcohol, pot, drugs and eventually sex. We were all very uninformed on a lot of things, sexual relations being at the top of the list. There was a guy I liked at the time and some of my "friends" convinced me that he would not want anything to do with me if I was a virgin. These same friends also had a cure for this "problem".

Looking back now, (and facing it through this Bible study) I know that I was molested. I was almost 14 when I was led into a room by a then 19 year old man who took my virginity, and later stole things from my parent's house. That memory has been locked away for almost 25 years. It was very traumatic for me and I believe that my mind just shut that memory away so deep into my soul because I couldn't handle it.

After this time I lost all self esteem and just allowed myself to be used. It may sound strange, but I didn't even think about getting pregnant. That was something that happened to other girls, not me.

But just after I turned 15 I became pregnant with my first child. I was terrified. I didn't want to tell my parents and didn't feel I could take care of a baby. I had never before heard of abortion when it was suggested to me by a boyfriend of one of my friends. He knew a doctor and gave me the name and number. The appointment and procedure came so fast. I had to find someone old enough to drive to take me to the appointment. That was also so traumatic that my mind just shut down and refused to remember any details.

It would be almost 20 years before I would face my abortion experience. Years of denial followed by years of pain and anger, mostly at myself. During this time I washed all my emotions in drugs, alcohol and bad relationships. Then Jesus stepped in. (That is a whole story in itself) After I started attending church and I heard a lady speak on a Pregnancy Center. I felt that I could help out in that area. One of the requirements for volunteers who have had an abortion was to go through a Bible study on healing. It was then I first faced my abortion experience and learned of the love that God has for even me.

Since that time, I have search and read everything I can find on abortion and on healing from it. That led me to this Bible study.

As I mentioned before I had not faced that very first sexual encounter. I did work through my abortion experience and my life after it with the first Bible study, but never even thought of facing the molestation (or rape).

God took me through some very dark times this past summer and allowed me to be taken away from the job I had done for many years. I was placed on nights and at the bottom of the "food chain" with my job. I tried everything I knew to get myself out of the situation to no avail. That's when I prayed and told God that I REALLY didn't understand, but I would try to do this task with a good attitude.

A few weeks into this new schedule it happened. I had been placed in a position where I didn't interact with too many people and could pray while working. One night I was standing in front of a machine talking to God and the memory of that day when I lost my virginity came flooding over me. It was as though I was standing there watching, but feeling at the same time. I could see the room smell the smells and feel all the pain, emotional, physical and spiritual. It was at that moment that I knew God wanted me to face this part of my past and heal from it.

That is what this Bible study has helped me do. I am so thankful to God for raising up people who have a heart for the hurting people like me. The time and effort that I'm sure went into this program has been such a benifit to me and I know other people too. It was very well prepared and thought out. I'm so glad that we don't ever have to stop learning about God. That each day we can learn something more about His charactor and His love for us. Blessings