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I went through many more tears - first, as I was hospitalized with bipolar depression; secondly, as I submitted to a scouring of my heart during an intense Healing Hearts Bible study. A small but definite glimmer of hope began to break into my guarded, sad and fearful heart. I finally had a place to run to get the hugs I never remembered receiving as a child. I dared to trust enough to follow their lead into what would become my extraordinary healing process.
I worked as hard during that ten-week Healing Hearts Bible study as anything I had ever done. It became my only work - letting the Holy Spirit and scripture search out and measure my true, wounded and hard-hearted human condition before God. I cried through my homework six days a week! (My husband was grateful for my one day off!) I cried hot tears of pain, anger, ignorance and rebellion; then, melting tears of loneliness, helplessness, sorrow and forgiveness. God was using the tears to wash the dirt, which had accumulated from my wilderness journey, off my wayward feet. I was finally willing to let Him.
I began to pay attention to God, and what He thought and how He felt about me. Although I was trembling at this prospect, not once did I have to face His holiness and truth without experiencing generous expressions of His love for me.
Throughout this healing process, God was doing more than I could think or imagine! He revealed two large stones in my heart that had weighed heavily on every aspect of my life. One was a vow of survival I had made as an eight-year-old child: I never wanted to be like my mother; I never wanted to be in a position of weakness where someone else could control and hurt me, the way I saw my dad treat my mom. The second issue had tortured me for the last fifteen years: I carried false guilt, buried anger and the unforgettable pain of cruel abandonment when my father committed suicide. In God's hand, His truth healed me all the way to forgiveness and compassion for my parents. I found that those two issues could now rest more peacefully in His light than they ever could when I hid them in the darkest corner of my heart.
Hard work continued and I can best explain the extent of God's forgiveness and restoring power by describing an ornamental plate I had purchased for myself one Mother's Day. I was drawn to this particular plate because it said "Happy Mother's Day" (in Swedish) and it was dated 1972, my daughter Lara's birth year. It was a blue and off-white, modern, Scandinavian creation that portrayed a woman in a long dress holding her arms straight out from her sides. On the top of each arm sat two children - four children in all. I secretly looked at that plate for many years, remembering, that I had been the mother - and the potential mother - of four babies. On the day that God opened the eyes of my heart to see Jesus' allsufficient sacrifice on the Cross, He also opened my eyes to look at that plate more closely. What I had either not noticed or paid much attention to before, was now visible! Another child was holding onto the skirt-waist of this woman. The Holy Spirit
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completed my utter joy and amazement when He impressed upon me John 7:38, "He who believes in Me, as the Scriptures said, 'From his innermost being (out of his belly) shall flow rivers of living water.'" Out of my belly of death through the abortions, Jesus was able to bring new spiritual life. In His redemptive love, I was not too lost and it was not too late for me to bear fruit, in an otherwise sparsely filled life thus far!
One day, I felt directed to worship and praise God. I obeyed and began with singing. I was - in my mind's eye - at the foot of Jesus' cross. Songs turned into sobs and I cried out loud to God, saying, "I surrender; I will forgive anyone, anything! Just, please help me!
At that moment, I began to experience an increasing awareness of God's presence. He showed me a different view of the Savior. I was behind Him, looking over His shoulder.
His eyes were open while He was hanging there, nailed to that cross. Jesus, The Alpha & Omega - The One, who had created time and could see from the beginning to the end! I realized that He could have gotten down off that cross any time, if He wanted to. But He didn't! I saw Him stay there while He was watching my life. He took my sins, one by one, into His heart, all through my life until I was completely His and safely home. Then He said, "It is finished" - for me!
I realized that He saw my whole life - each thing that happened to me and each sin I committed and will commit. He had fought for me and had even rescued me from some disastrous consequences along the way.
I thanked God for leading me to the cross and for opening my eyes. I thanked Him for loving me so much and for being so merciful and forgiving. Right then, on Dec. 7, 2004, I rushed to give my heart to Jesus as Lord. I felt so much love for Him. I also noticed that the awful, uneasy feeling I carried inside of me - which I could never shake since I was a little girl - was gone! I was healed! I felt safe and no longer alone for the first time in my life. Jesus filled my heart with His presence that day, and I continue to praise Him for it! I praise and thank Him, too, for my family of Christian prayer warriors, counselors and new friends.
I also owe a debt of love to the two Healing Hearts Bible study leaders who freely gave me God's perfect gifts of wisdom andcounsel, exhortation and encouragement, comfort, hope and faith, when I was fragile. They walked me to the Cross. I was strengthened and liberated due to their passionate labor to see the re-birth of a clean and tender heart towards the Lord. Thank you, Colleen and Jodi; I love you. I believe that I will never be the same - and I give all glory to God, my Healer, in Jesus' name.
"I shall lift up the cup of salvation,
and call upon the name of the Lord"
Psalm 116:13
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Suzy, a Healing Hearts Leader and medic in the Army, received orders in October to be deployed to Iraq for a year. Suzy went through "The Hem of His Garment" Bible study in the spring of 2004 and completed the Healing Hearts training the following September to become a leader. During her time in Washington state she co-led two groups and was actively involved in developing data bases for the National Headquarters office. Suzy re-enlisted in May after feeling the Lord calling her to stay in the Army and transferred from Ft. Lewis in Washington to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. Suzy's husband Todd who is also in the Army, will be staying behind to take care of their home. She doesn't want to be away from her family and home but knows God has a plan for her while she is deployed. Suzy is looking forward to ministering to women in the military using the Healing Hearts study. Please remember to keep her and her husband in your prayers.